Dream Partner Page 3
Years before, we had discussed illness and what we would do if either of us ever got sick or faced the possibility of death. Considering our age difference, Lynn told me that when he went, he wanted no nursing home, no hospital, no life support. All he wanted was to not be a burden on me, and to die at home with loving arms around him.

I listened, then quickly changed the subject. It wasn't something I wanted to think about. I had already put both of my parents and my only brother in the grave and was not looking forward to dealing with this type of thing again.

It's funny. I wasn't really that worried, in spite of the doctor's opinion. I knew Lynn. And besides, we had only just begun to live the life we really wanted. We'd accomplished so much with virtually nothing.

At 7:00 am on November 13, 1995 reality slapped me in the face--hard. Lynn died. He died at home, in the arms of my/his/our 16 yr old son. We made no attempt at resuscitation, no call for CPR or life support, no hoopla...nothing. We did for him what he'd asked me years ago to do. It was not easy, but it was done out of love.

The following days brought me a reality I never worried about before: I had no money. I had $14.00 to my name. No bank accounts, no IRAs, no bonds, no insurance policy...nothing. Not even money stashed in a jar for a rainy day. The $24.00 a month we saved by not paying his life insurance premium just kicked me in the gut and I was sick to my stomach.

Better yet, I was not married to him. The U.S. government and the state of Arizona do not recognize common-law marriage. I am ineligible for any veteran's or social security benefits, as is the boy he raised as beautifully as his own. It doesn't matter that you were a decent family or that you loved each other. The red tape reality is...we were so stupid. Our only income was his social security, and it stopped very abruptly.

I was, and am, in every sense of the word, a widow with no money, a 16 yr old son, 6 1/2 acres I'm determined not to lose, 25 goats, 60 chickens and five dogs.

Scared? You're damned right I'm scared! Stupid? Probably. Mostly we were too happy for our own good. At the time, a $24.00 a month payment bought hay, and it just didn't seem important to pay a premium for a policy we wouldn't need for years yet. We had time to get back on our feet and reinstate it.

You ask, what have I learned from all of this?

You can get away from the grip of society only to a point unless you are very prepared to deal with ugly realities like this one. You still need to keep a thread tied to "society" in the way of some sort of protection, such as insurance. We are not immortal, even though it seems like it at times.

Have I protected my son in case I'm struck down as quickly as his dad was? No. Believe me, I learned the hard way, but that doesn't make insurance any more affordable. You either have the money for it or you don't. And I don't.

Why doesn't she sell the goats and go back to the city where she can get a job and make a life for her son?

The goats and my son and the country are my life. In spite of going without and making do, this is more of a life than anything the city has to offer me. I owe that to my son!

I said I was scared: not weak. I will do whatever I can to remain on this 6 1/2 acres, making the goats work for me and making a living, in some fashion. It was our dream to make a living, however meager, doing what we could with what we had and being happy with it. My dream has not changed; only my dream partner has gone away.

I'm lonely and I'm sad and this letter has been difficult to write, but I'm hoping it will help someone else think ahead. Until one month ago today, I had no worries, really. Now...I worry a lot.

"Debbie also mentioned that she is learning to spin, and has made goat cheese and yogurt, and soap some of which she has sold locally. She'd like to get a computer to put her in touch with other goat people (she does have a phone now) and possibly provide some income. She is open to suggestions..."

June 1997: It has taken me this long to be able to rewrite this story...I've come a short way from where I was here...but the pain is very much there...Lynn would have been 67 yrs old this month... and I miss him terribly..but I haven't given up..things change..people grow..the goats that were babies when he was here have now had children..some grandchildren of their own..Georgie was just 7 mos old, BooBoo Bear was 5 mos old and

... Lynn's beloved VitVit

(Tammy) was a mere infant of 4 mos..They have all grown up beautifully..)

Georgie and Boo have fathered gorgeous children ...





and VitVit has had 2 sets of triplets-in the house of course..*S*

Life does go on..maybe not the way you planned it..but it will go on ...with or without you... so do your best to be prepared...